This morning while getting ready for church my thoughts drifted to my dad. I don't have many good memories of the man that raised me. I don't think about him very often and thankfully when I do it no longer elicits feelings of hurt or resentment. My dad wasn't very nice to me or my siblings. To condense numerous stories into something shorter, my dad was verbally abusive to me. I always felt as if I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty, I wouldn't ever make him or any other man happy, and that's just the way it was. I never felt loved or accepted for who I was. When my dad left our family, he told me that he didn't want me, he said I wasn't his anyway, so he disowned me. I was 15 at the time, and completely shocked to find out that I was not my dad's biological daughter, not to mention the shattered heart that he left behind. Certainly not my first brush with rejection, but at that time it was definitely the deepest.
Over the years, I tried to fill that place my dad had never really filled in various ways. I am glad my mom made me go to church (after many fights) and I ended up getting involved there. I have no doubt that it was my salvation on several levels. I will be forever grateful to the men that stepped up in those years to lend advice, hugs, and shoulders to shed tears on.
Even after accepting Christ as my savior, I didn't fully grasp the depth of my heavenly Father's love. I knew He loved me of course, for God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, after all. I was all good with Jesus, my brother, my friend, the one I ran too. Yet, Father God seemed to be distant and scary, if I messed up and sinned (and I did a lot) would He still accept me? I wanted to please Him so badly but never quite met the mark.
What I did, I believe, is what most people do. We equate our earthly fathers with our Heavenly Father and assume they are alike. This is probably safe for some. There are some amazing dad's out there, who treat their children as Christ would. But for me, it created a wall that separated me from my Heavenly Father for fear of hurt and rejection. Who wants to be rejected by the creator of the universe?
It wasn't until my late 20's and after divorce that I really started to understand how deeply my Father loves me. I was hurting, and I felt dirty. I was certain that the church would crumble around me when I set foot in it. I took my kids because I felt it was the right thing to do, but I didn't feel like I belonged there. I had done too much wrong, I was divorced, and I had stayed away from the church for too long; how could Father God just welcome me back?
One Sunday, I was sitting in my seat while waiting for the service to start, a man who I trusted and know to be faithful to his word, started talking to me. It was just friendly chit chat, he had been a leader in the church and God had called him elsewhere for a while. I had met him before but thought it would have been rude to point that out. It was nice to just talk to someone, as more people filtered into the sanctuary the conversation died and other people vied for his attention. But then, just before service started he tapped me on the shoulder and said that he just had to tell me what God was saying to him about me. He said that God told him that I carried His beauty. My thought process after that is a jumbled mess. How did God see me as beautiful, when I felt so ugly? If I was carrying his beauty, I certainly wasn't doing a good job of it. But, God doesn't lie... Ever. So, it must be true.
It was a long journey but I finally agreed with my Daddy. Jesus is the way to the Father. Jesus is one with the Father (jn 10:30) I saw someone post on Facebook today that Jesus is the Father's selfie. I didn't have a problem with Jesus, I know that He accepts me and loves me. And if Jesus feels that way, and he is a perfect picture of the Father then that means that my Heavenly Father feels that way too. It feels good to call him Daddy, Papa God. He loves me. I am His favorite one. When the prodigal son returned, his father didn't wait in the house with his arms crossed scowling at his son. Luke15:20 says "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." He ran to his son!! Can you imagine the prodigal son's face as he watched his father run toward him, arms open wide, compassion on his face, tears in his eyes, robe kicking up with each step. That's what my Father did for me. My Daddy sought me out, he played peek-a-boo around the walls I had built to keep myself safe. My walls cracked and fell, nothing is a strong as the Father's love for us, not even the walls we build ourselves.
Papa loves us so much. He wants the best for us. He wants to know us and hear about our day. He knows and sees all that concerns you. I encourage you to crawl up in your Daddy's lap and tell him about your day. You don't have to be formal, you don't need the right words in a certain order using a special formula for him to listen. Just be you.. he created you the way you are after all.. and that is enough for Him (ps 139:14-18).