Daddy Dearest

My soul is going to be laid a bit bare for this post.  I am usually an open book, especially when asked so this isn't anything new or that I am ashamed of, it is just the first time that I have put it in print for the whole world to see.

This morning while getting ready for church my thoughts drifted to my dad.  I don't have many good memories of the man that raised me.  I don't think about him very often and thankfully when I do it no longer elicits feelings of hurt or resentment.  My dad wasn't very nice to me or my siblings.  To condense numerous stories into something shorter, my dad was verbally abusive to me.  I always felt as if I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty, I wouldn't ever make him or any other man happy, and that's just the way it was.  I never felt loved or accepted for who I was.  When my dad left our family, he told me that he didn't want me, he said I wasn't his anyway, so he disowned me.  I was 15 at the time, and completely shocked to find out that I was not my dad's biological daughter, not to mention the shattered heart that he left behind.  Certainly not my first brush with rejection, but at that time it was definitely the deepest.

Over the years, I tried to fill that place my dad had never really filled in various ways.  I am glad my mom made me go to church (after many fights) and I ended up getting involved there.  I have no doubt that it was my salvation on several levels.  I will be forever grateful to the men that stepped up in those years to lend advice, hugs, and shoulders to shed tears on.

Even after accepting Christ as my savior, I didn't fully grasp the depth of my heavenly Father's love.  I knew He loved me of course, for God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, after all.  I was all good with Jesus, my brother, my friend, the one I ran too.  Yet, Father God seemed to be distant and scary, if I messed up and sinned (and I did a lot) would He still accept me?  I wanted to please Him so badly but never quite met the mark. 

What I did, I believe, is what most people do.  We equate our earthly fathers with our Heavenly Father and assume they are alike.  This is probably safe for some.  There are some amazing dad's out there, who treat their children as Christ would.  But for me, it created a wall that separated me from my Heavenly Father for fear of hurt and rejection.  Who wants to be rejected by the creator of the universe?

It wasn't until my late 20's and after divorce that I really started to understand how deeply my Father loves me.  I was hurting, and I felt dirty.  I was certain that the church would crumble around me when I set foot in it.  I took my kids because I felt it was the right thing to do, but I didn't feel like I belonged there.   I had done too much wrong, I was divorced, and I had stayed away from the church for too long; how could Father God just welcome me back?  

One Sunday, I was sitting in my seat while waiting for the service to start, a man who I trusted and know to be faithful to his word, started talking to me.  It was just friendly chit chat, he had been a leader in the church and God had called him elsewhere for a while.  I had met him before but thought it would have been rude to point that out.  It was nice to just talk to someone, as more people filtered into the sanctuary the conversation died and other people vied for his attention.  But then, just before service started he tapped me on the shoulder and said that he just had to tell me what God was saying to him about me.  He said that God told him that I carried His beauty.  My thought process after that is a jumbled mess.  How did God see me as beautiful, when I felt so ugly?  If I was carrying his beauty, I certainly wasn't doing a good job of it.  But, God doesn't lie... Ever.  So, it must be true.

It was a long journey but I finally agreed with my Daddy. Jesus is the way to the Father.  Jesus is one with the Father (jn 10:30)  I saw someone post on Facebook today that Jesus is the Father's selfie.  I didn't have a problem with Jesus, I know that He accepts me and loves me. And if Jesus feels that way, and he is a perfect picture of the Father then that means that my Heavenly Father feels that way too.  It feels good to call him Daddy, Papa God.  He loves me.  I am His favorite one.  When the prodigal son returned, his father didn't wait in the house with his arms crossed scowling at his son.  Luke15:20 says "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." He ran to his son!!  Can you imagine the prodigal son's face as he watched his father run toward him, arms open wide, compassion on his face, tears in his eyes, robe kicking up with each step.  That's what my Father did for me.  My Daddy sought me out, he played peek-a-boo around the walls I had built to keep myself safe.  My walls cracked and fell, nothing is a strong as the Father's love for us, not even the walls we build ourselves.   

Papa loves us so much.  He wants the best for us.  He wants to know us and hear about our day.  He knows and sees all that concerns you.  I encourage you to crawl up in your Daddy's lap and tell him about your day.  You don't have to be formal, you don't need the right words in a certain order using a special formula for him to listen.  Just be you.. he created you the way you are after all.. and that is enough for Him (ps 139:14-18).

Where's the Colon?

In honor of Valentine's Day, I am going to post what I have been thinking about for the last month or so.  This is in no way something that I would argue with a theologian, but I think it just makes sense.

When I read Gal. 5:22 "...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..."  Sometimes (on days that I think deeply about it) I think, there should be a colon there.

Follow me on this.  What if when the bible was translated the wrong punctuation was put after love?  What if it should have gone something like this.. the fruit of the spirit of love: joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.  

So this is what I think.  If you are needing joy, or peace or......  then pursue love.  If you consciously love the other things just naturally follow.  The greatest commandment is to love the Lord God with all your heart, mind and soul, and the second is to love your neighbor as yourself.  God is love (1 Jn 4:8), and it's by the way we love others that people know we are His (Jn 13:35).  It is in love that we find peace.  It is in love that we find joy.  We even find patience in love, isn't easier to be patient with those that we love?

Then if you look at the love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, it almost exactly lines up with the fruit of the spirit.  "Love suffers long (patience) and is kind (kindness); love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely (gentleness), does not seek it's own, is not provoked (goodness); thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth (joy); bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things (faithfulness), endures all things. Love never fails.."  This fits with my theory that joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are fruits of love.

I overflow with amazement and joy that the love we need to have all these wonderful fruits is just freely and abundantly given to us, it is poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit (Rom 5:5).

Not just on Valentine's Day but everyday loving people is the best thing that we can do not only for others but for ourselves.  Honestly, it doesn't really matter whether there is supposed to be a colon there or not, the point of the scriptures are clear-- Love is what we should be pursuing.

What's In The Bag

Did you ever have to really think about who you are?  Really looking inward and saying something more than my favorite color is blue. Are you what you do? or are you defined by life experiences?  Are we the sum of our thoughts and actions?  How do you properly define yourself in 2-5 minutes to a room full of people that don't know you?  This is the task that I have been given.  A 2-5 minute speech introducing myself using 5 objects that best describe me.

Hi, my name is Kaloni Rose.  Kaloni is Hawaiian for "something of heavenly beauty" or "beautiful".  So essentially I am a "heavenly rose"!  Before you ask, you should know that I am not Hawaiian.  My heritage actually traces back to Denmark.  I actually got my name from Gilligan's Island.  There was a girl that rode in on a log to the island and her name was Kalani.  My mom liked it, looked up what it meant, liked it even more and that became my name.

The first thing that I would use to describe myself would be a butterfly.  Butterflies symbolize change to me.  They change from ugly and crawling to beautiful, colorful, and flying.  Butterflies are a hope and a reminder to me that all things are made beautiful in their own time and that life is a process.  We are continually changing and evolving in the way we think and act based on our beliefs and experiences.  I feel like as long as I continue to be teachable by choosing to learn from both the good and bad experiences in life that I will continue to become a better person.

 Next up is running shoes.  I love to run.  I have been running since I was a kid.  I have always been active (except for those few years after my last baby).  Running is more than exercise for me, it is therapeutic.  Running clears my head of all the thoughts that seem to get stuck there.  Running helps me to relax with the added benefit of keeping me healthy and fit.

Third item out of the bag is a picture of my family.  I am a mom and a wife.  I take my job seriously and try my best to take care of my family.  I try to teach my kids how to be capable adults one day, I try to balance giving them freedom to make their own decisions with keeping them safe from stupidness.  I try to show them that it is possible to have fun and be responsible at the same time.  I am not Susie Home-maker (just ask my husband), but my home is a home. A place to be comfortable and accepted, a place for love and family.

Number four is a tattoo.  I have 10 of them so far.  Though I don't really think that they really define me as a person.  I like them and I like to use them to tell my story (when I have the money).  I have several butterflies.  The word grace and the symbol for 'everlasting love and friendship' is on my wrist.  There is a mostly black heart on my other wrist that is a Song of Solomon 1:5 reference.  I also have roses, a stargazer lily, ants, a wedding ring, a sparrow and a t-rex.

Last but certainly not least is a unicorn.  Steve started calling me a unicorn while we were dating.  I am like the unicorn being the rare and mysterious creature that it is.  I do not act or react the (stereotypical) way he expects me to. I am unique and awesome. A few examples: I like looking good, but I don't stress about it; I know that I am beautiful (inside and out).  I am real all the time (even if that's weird); I don't pretend to be something that I am not to gain approval.  I figure it's better you love me or hate me for the real me.  I didn't want a wedding ceremony and I didn't care about a ring.  Now he likes to say that even though I am a unicorn, I am still a female unicorn, because every now and then I fit into a female stereotype.  Like, I ask him how I look in an outfit (he says I look great like always) then I change anyway.

Over the years, I have become a confident person.  I know my strengths and my weaknesses.  I try to live my life out of a place of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Some days I succeed and some days I fail, but everyday is part of the journey and I try to remember to enjoy it.

You are you and that is true, there's no one in the world who's you-er than you

-Dr. Seuss-