Class of 2017

I officially graduated Dec of 2016, but I officially officially graduated when I walked the stage on May 6th.  To be perfectly honest, I was dreading it.  I didn't really want to walk.  The ONLY reason that I did walk was because of the advice I got from this really handsome guy I know.  Steve said, "Graduations are not for the students, they are for the families."

So, I walked for my kids, for my husband, and for my parents.  They were my source of strength all the way through the 4 years it took me to get my Associates of Science.  Steve would often take care of the house, the kids, dinner, and anything else that was required so that I could study.  My mom was there to offer words of encouragement (especially when I was stressing over a particularly hard subject).  They even indulged my growing office supplies habit.  There were even several times at the end of my time of being a student that my kids would read whatever paper I was writing and give me ideas or just the extra encouragement that I needed to feel confident that what I wrote was good.  Because of all their support, I was able to graduate Summa Cum Laude with a 3.9 GPA!!!!

What surprised me on the day of graduation was the amount of emotions that hit me.  In my mind, I had already graduated...  I was done.  This was just a bunch of ceremony, no big deal right?  It was after everyone received their "diploma" and all the graduates stood to the applause of the audience.  The professors in attendance stood, turned around, and clapped for us.  It was like I could feel all the overwhelming pride and joy.  The look of admiration on my kids faces, the way they were hollering at the top of their lungs "that's my mom."  Then I made eye contact with my husband, and he mouthed "I love you SOO MUCH" with a deep sigh.  It took all I had to not breakdown into tears right there in front of everyone.

In the end, I am glad that I did it.  I'm glad that I finished my degree, and I'm glad that I walked.  Even though, I have decided not to go on to become a pharmacist, and I am not using my Associates of Science to help Steve run a business, or build a farm, I am so glad I finished.  I finished for the kids; I finished for me.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” - Dr. Seuss

Noble Sin

"We are tempted not with the worst of sins but the noblest; to take things into our own hands rather than to burden God with our circumstances."

I don't know who is quoted above, I saw it on Facebook.  The truth of it hit me so hard that I've been thinking about it for months now.  I thought about all the times I tried and failed several times before I would turn to God in prayer because I had no other option.  I did not avoid my God out of malice or because I felt Him incapable.  I was taught that you should try everything that you know how to do, work hard and figure it out before you ask for help.

Not very long ago, I made a rash decision out of desperation.  Even though I knew, that something was off.  I didn't feel like it was the best option, but at the time, I felt like it was my only option.  I should have listened to the check in my spirit.  I should have prayed, I should have waited.  The situation worked out (kind of, we are still paying for/fighting that battle), but I can't help but wonder what would have happened had I waited on the Lord.

For me, I think, this goes deeper than just forgetting to call on the Lord.  It's more that I don't want to bother Him; He has enough to do, right!?!?! Why do I sometimes feel as if I am being a bother?  I feel this way in my personal relationships as well.  I do not inquire about the happenings of the people around me because I don't want to bother them.  I do not want to find out that I am not invited, and I will not invite myself (that's rude).  I figure if I was wanted, I would be invited?  IDK.  I've never been fantastic at managing friendships.

SO... this is what I should know, that obviously I still do not KNOW KNOW.  I am not a burden.  The Lord repeated asks us to come.  He wants relationship.  There are sooo many scriptures, sooo many lessons that I have heard about God being a good father.  He takes care of us.  He asks us to come.  He wants us to come to Him.

Matt. 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

1 Jn. 5:14 "This is the confidence we have when approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."

Getting over the Funk

The struggle is real... a lot more some days (or weeks) than others.  I've been in a "funk" for the last several months.  I have been pushing through, some days are better than others, but the depression is there lurking under the surface.  I've never been one to have to deal with depression on a regular basis, I honestly don't even know if depression is the right word.

It's dumb!  My husband tells me and shows me that I am beautiful every day.  When did my self-worth start depending on my mood?  Where did the confidence go, did I ever really have it?  Why do I care what you think?

When I examine how I have been feeling, it's the lack of confidence that I notice the most.  The feeling that I am not good enough, that I am not beautiful, that I am just getting old and worn out and tired.  Is that depression?

Whatever it is, I am tired of dealing with it.  This is not who I am, this is not who I am created to be.  I am STRONG.  I am BEAUTIFUL.  I am MORE than CAPABLE,  I am a daughter of the KING.

So, I am slowly climbing out of this funk.  I'm consciously taking steps to feeling better.  I'm making goals for exercising and eating well.  I'm trying not to be too hard on myself when I don't meet those goals.  I'm sharing my feelings now, not for sympathy, but for support.  I need people to speak truth and encouragement into my life.  And I am speaking encouragement to myself, I know who I am, and I intend to start acting like it.

I don't expect it to be easy, climbing out of this funk will take some doing on my part.  Besides, being a princess is hard work.  Being a princess is about more than just looking pretty to find a prince that will take care of you and everything else.  Being a princess isn't even about only depending on only yourself, despite what feminism and Hollywood says, but knowing when you need others and letting them help fill in gaps that only they can fill.  Being a princess is about learning how to rule, it requires a willingness to learn, and a willingness to listen.  It requires confidence and purpose, It requires loyalty, caring, understanding, love and compassion.  It means being aware of yourself, knowing both strengths and weakness, and being willing to change.  One of my favorite movies One Night With The King puts it well:

Hagai: [to Esther as she is feeding the monkeys] I am curious, to whether you frustrate me of sincerity or to ensure you're never chosen Queen.
Esther: [getting to her feet, turning around] You assume I actually care about being chosen Queen.
Hagai: I am serious!
Esther: Serious of what? Finding a real Queen? Is that why you subject us to these beauty treatments? These... classes?
Hagai: You do not like our fine instructors?
Esther: They simply neglect to teach us some things.
Hagai: Such as?
Esther: Well seemingly anything to do with actually being Queen. The thought well thought; the word well spoken; and the deed well done.

This is the kind of leader, person, daughter, mom, and wife that I want to be.  A person who has well thoughts, words and deeds.  A true princess