I miss my brother. I have written five sentences then erased them (several times). Everything I want to say seems so cliche and trite when I write it down. The words seem so small compared to the feelings that I want to express. How do you express years of memories in just a few words? I miss him so much sometimes that I feel like there is a hole in my heart that will never be filled up.. that will never stop bleeding.It's something that you can't really understand until it happens to you. I suppose it is inevitable in life to lose the people that we love, especially as we get older. I never thought that it would happen to me so soon. We didn't have time to prepare, I don't know that it would have made it any easier, but it hurts in a way that I can't quite articulate that I didn't get to say goodbye.
Some days are harder than others, fighting off the images and feelings that bombard me, memories of when I first got the news that Brandon was gone. I remember the tears that wouldn't stop and feeling like my heart had stopped. I remember how hard it was to get up the next morning and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that. I remember thinking that things would never be the same.The pain never really goes away, you just learn to cope with it. Mostly I deal with it by thinking about all of the great memories I have of my brother. I got a tattoo symbolizing him shortly after he passed away. It's a dinosaur.. Rex the Dinosaur (from Toy Story) to be exact. It makes me smile. It reminds me of him. He was small with a huge dinosaur sized heart. He hated vegetables. He had tiny arms (LOL.. family joke). Brandon had a heart of gold. He was kind and caring. He would quickly forgive any wrong. His laugh... OMG his laugh. I can still hear it sometimes. It was full and contagious. He was full of so much light and joy.
Brandon passed away the day after his birthday, November 5, 2011. He was a triplet; trying to celebrate Nicole and Dustin's birthday proved to be difficult for me last year. I am hoping it will be easier this year. I don't want to be so lost in sorrow that I "forget" them. What good is mourning time lost, if it makes you lose time with the family that is still here? I plan on visiting the place we spread his ashes this year. Starting to think that may not be a good idea. The kids really want to go though, and I don't want to disappoint them for a second year in a row.
I am trying hard for this blog to have some sort of direction, purpose and for it to flow. But I am failing miserably. SO I am going to stop right here and end this with the video that a friend made for my family.
Sometimes you will never know the value of something,
until it becomes a memory.- Dr. Seuss